I may be the worlds slowest jogger, but the point is: I didn’t walk. I pushed through 2 whole miles without walking at all. Combined, I did a 1/2 mile warm-up walk and a 1/4 mile cool-down walk, for a 2 3/4 mile track visit. The 2 mile stint took me about 30 minutes.
The first half mile of jogging sucked. It pretty much always has. Mental? Physical? I think it’s both. It takes me awhile to get my brain focused, and even then it’s hard to retain that focus.
Mainly because I have a hard time getting that stupid voice in my head to shut up. You know what voice I’m referring to. The one that loves to tell you how inadequate you are. How much easier it would be to surrender, to give up. How hard something is… even when it’s really not. The one that loves to remind you of all of your past failures.
The one that watches your shadow at the track and says, “but you’re still so fat.”
“That’s not a jog – look at how slow you’re going.”
“Why are you bothering to put forth this much effort? You know it won’t be long before you start gaining back everything you’ve lost.”
“You could stop now and go to the store instead. Load up on something yummy. No one would have to know.”
And the biggie, especially as of late:
“You will NEVER be underneath 200 pounds. So stop thinking about it and stop trying.”
***
A few days ago Kelli referenced having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde problem in her head. The routes we’ve taken to improve our health are different, but the emotional crap is often quite similar. We exchanged a few emails on Friday that made that quite clear.
You know, over the years we’ve talked endlessly about our weight (on the phone, via email, in person). We’ve cheered each other on. We’ve given hugs, both in person and virtually, when things are tough or we feel as though we’ve failed. We’ve sent so many encouraging emails with the tone of “Pick yourself up and try again! Don’t give up!” We’ve journaled our daily food to each other. (God, if I had a dollar for every time I told her how disappointed I was for stopping at McD’s for breakfast yet again.) We’ve participated in challenges together. Basically she’s been the yin to my proverbial weight journey yang.
But in all of those years, the one thing we’ve yet to master is how we talk to ourselves about our bodies and our capability to become healthier and maintain those changes. I’ve spent the past 10+ years hanging out on and moderating weight related message boards. I’ve been going to support group meetings for a year and a half.
The most consistent thing I’ve witnessed through these forums and my friendship with Kelli is just how convinced we seem to be that we’re incapable. How deep seeded that fear is of regain and how quickly we think our healthier bodies will be stripped from us. After years of fighting what some have labeled as “the beast,” many of us are tired, weary, and wary. I know I am. I’m tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of scrounging up enough hope only to let it slip away with not-so-great choices that I let snowball. I’m tired of fighting.
And boy, fighting is what I’ve been doing the past few weeks. Fighting to keep my foothold on making decent choices (had a few rough days with far too many carbs). Fighting with myself over setting some new goals. Fight – fail – fight – fail – fight – fail…
My counselor pointed out to me once that the notion of fighting weight related “demons” or “beasts”… well, it’s not a very successful mindset to have. It’s terrifying to fight against a beast. Imagine it – how many of us would have the strength to take on a Yeti? That’s what it feels like we need to do though when we’re constantly fighting ourselves (as I was tonight on the track).
Well, you know what?
I am so tired. So very, very tired.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
If I fight myself, I’m at war with myself. I can’t live a life with this much turmoil. I’ll lose. I’ll regain.
So I’m putting down the sword.
And I’m going to work at keeping it down.
I can’t stop myself from ever thinking another negative thought. But instead of fighting it… instead of telling it to shut up… instead of allowing it to cause me so much angst… I will notice that it’s there and I will focus on something positive.
“You’re still so fat!” - “You’ve lost 160+ pounds. What incredible success!”
“That’s not a jog – look at how slow you’re going!” – “One year ago you were winded just doing one lap around the track. Such progress!”
“Why are you bothering to put forth this much effort? You know it won’t be long before you start gaining back everything you’ve lost.” - “I will do the best I can in this moment with the resources I have. I cannot control tomorrow, but I can control this moment.”
“You could stop now and go to the store instead. Load up on something yummy. No one would have to know.” – “I choose to be here and I choose to stay here because it feels right.”
“You will NEVER be underneath 200 pounds. So stop thinking about it and stop trying.” – “I’ll continue to strive for wellness in this body.”
***
My new goals:
- Daily: keep the sword at rest
- Complete 5k on November 7th
- Weight of 205 (175 pounds down)
- Weight of 199.9 (Onederland)
I want to be under 200 pounds. To pretend that I don’t want that is silly. So I’m putting that out there – yes, it’s what I’m going to aim for. But, I’m going to work on ending the mental abuse towards myself and reach that goal with peace. If I reach it, sword in hand and on edge, it simply won’t last. I really believe that. So I want to reach it in the time that is right for my body and with my mental health intact.
What battles are you fighting? Might you consider putting the sword down with me?
Thank you so much for sharing your insights – so what I needed to read this morning!
I shared with you that I recently started counseling and the experience has made me so much more keenly aware of my goings-on in my mind and I find I’m becoming much more observant and open to myself. One evening after a particularly emotional day, a very clear statement formed in my head: “I’m tried of trying to be what I think everyone else expects, but I’m afraid to be who I really am.” One thing I’ve admired as I read your posts (and thank you again for sharing them!!) is how focused you are on being who YOU want to be…on taking care of YOU!
The other thought I wanted to share was something I heard last week. I was taking a class about prayer and the teacher talked about the power of words and how what we choose to say essentially acts as a blessing or a curse. I’d never thought about this before – blessings and curses – and it gave me a new context for considering how I speak to myself: Do the words I say bless me or am I cursing myself? It’s been helping me be more sensitive to the way I treat myself – it’s sometimes shocking how mean I can be!!
I’m so proud of you for jogging that 2 miles…reminded me of a memory from when I was in elementary school and we’d complete these challenges. One day it was jogging for 5 minutes straight without stopping. When we completed a challenge, we got to write our name on the sign. That is one time in my life I remember really digging in deep to accomplish a physical goal. We did the challenge as a whole group, so it was a mass of kids running laps around the gym. I remember that, afterward, my gym teacher made a point to ask me if I’d done it. Looking back at my report cards and the notes he wrote, I think he really cared about me – he always gave me an “A” for effort – and I remember the pride I felt while ferouciously bobbing my head up and down in an enthusiastic “YES!” while waiting for my turn to write my name on the poster. I really want to feel that pride again…I know it comes from pushing myself to go farther than i think I’m capable of, to push myself past the initial fear of “But what if I can’t…?”
I hope you’re off to a fantastic week! :)